Ira Volk

Covid has forced us all to reconsider and reevaluate different aspects of our lives.

The following is one of many epiphanies that will probably (hopefully) change me forever.
After spending long days and weeks with kids out of school, trying to handle conflicts of various shapes and sizes, watching myself make different behavioral choices, what became very clear is:
The way parents tend to raise their kids and teach them to distinguish between good or bad is by praising them for behaviors that are convenient for them (parents) and reprimanding (or even punishing) for those that are not.
Boy, is this wrong…
This often results in
– suppressing feelings that are perceived to be “wrong” and unacceptable. They are no wrong feelings. If kids feel angry or upset – that’s how they feel and they have the reason and right to feel that way.
– suppressing behaviors that would benefit the child in the future or make him happy, just because those behaviors are not comfortable for the parents.
– enticing behaviors that will not benefit the child in the future or do not make him happy, just because parents prefer those over the others, for their own benefit.

What’s funny is, even after realizing this, I watch myself do the same thing over and over again and stick with my old patterns. It will probably take months or even years to adjust…

Covid has been an interesting wake-up call for many of us.

Humans are trying to be patient while the Earth is going through a cleansing cycle.

Post-covid world:
fat bodies, long nails and hair, clean hands, depressed humans and economies, closed businesses, divorced couples, digitized workflows, increased health standards, enhanced supply chains, more efficient operations, better collaboration between different parts of society, enhanced communication, decreased pollution…

“You’re so strong” – I’ve heard many times in the last few years.
I would agree. But it hasn’t always been this way. It took me a while to get there.

I can’t say I’m not afraid of anything. What I can say is that I’m not afraid of being afraid, or hurt, or sad, or loved, or being in love.

We go through a lot in our lives. We have different experiences. Good or bad. Wonderful, exciting, amazing, challenging, sad, freightening, breaking, healing, boring, depressing, surprising.

Different experiences evoke different emotions. Emotions are part of us.
I’m strong because I’m not afraid of my emotions. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel them. I just accept them, whatever they are.

I embrace positive emotions. But I’m also aware of their temporary nature. So I embrace experiences that make me happy and evoke positive emotions because I’m not afraid of being sad when they’re gone.

Negative emotions can be used as a chance to evolve. When you experience them, you can use that to learn more about yourself, if you treat it as a lesson.

I’m also not afraid of the unknown. I feel the need to evolve. I embrace change and I embrace challenge.

And I embrace myself, for what I am.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

In most cases, it doesn’t take much to help another person in a difficult situation. Normally it’s one of the two: time or money. Neither of the above is more important than being a decent human being.

Never do anything that would hurt you. Never sacrifice or allow others to take advantage of you. But if you can help another person without taking away from your own happiness – do it, don’t think twice. You’ll feel good about yourself.

I’ve been criticized for helping others too much (sounds like nonsense but yes, true story). It didn’t make me stop helping though. It made me start hiding my good deeds from judgmental people. I’ve done some crazy stuff for others that most people wouldn’t do. But I will never regret because every time I did that, I became a better person.

There’s another benefit: it teaches you to appreciate things that others do for you.
Ungrateful people are those who are not used to helping others.
Well, they’re missing out.
Because giving is much more enjoyable than receiving.

Еще пару слов о боли, чтобы закрыть тему.

Все мы много раз в жизни ощущали боль. Чаще физическую, иногда – душевную, а бывает сталкиваешься с неприятнейшим гибридом из обеих.

Какой бы боль ни была, если в такие моменты начать в нее погружаться, то она заполнит тебя, всё твоё пространство. И начинает казаться, что она бесконечна, что вот так будет теперь всегда и выхода нет и не будет.

Большинство людей не умеют бороться с болью, потому что благодаря современной медицине у них мало опыта такой борьбы. Поэтому когда они сталкиваются с болью душевной – они по привычке бегут за помощью к разного рода субстанциям: начинают бухать или глотать таблетки. Ими управляет страх ее бесконечности.

У меня за свои 36 лет накопился некоторый опыт борьбы с душевной болью, плавно переходящей в физическую.
Благодаря этому я научилась одной вещи – наблюдать в такие моменты за собой со стороны. Оказалось, это очень познавательно. Надеюсь, вам не придется так экспериментировать, но если обнаружите себя в подобной ситуации – попробуйте. Это хорошо работает и в ситуациях с обычной (физической) болью.

Отойдите мысленно в сторону и посмотрите на себя “извне”. Боль не уменьшится, но она станет чужой. И начнет появляться ощущение ее временности. Начинаешь понимать, что всего лишь стоит потерпеть. И терпишь. Как когда выполняешь какое-то упражнение и уже готов сдаться и остановиться, а тренер говорит: осталось всего 10 секунд. И ты терпишь, хотя только что казалось, что сил уже совсем не осталось.

Так и здесь. Начинаешь терпеть, зная, что это временно. И потом с удивлением обнаруживаешь, что боль постепенно проходит.

А потом в один прекрасный день она совсем ушла, а ты не алкоголик и не душевнобольной . Ещё к тому же обрел опыт вытаскивания себя за волосы из говна, аки Мюнхгаузен. Очень ценный опыт, скажу я вам. После этого уже ничего не страшно. После этого начинаешь понимать, что что бы ни случилось – ты выйдешь из воды сухой, бодрый, радостный и даже чуть более качественный.

(7 do’s and 3 don’ts)

Life is a weird and unpredictable thing. And sometimes shit hits the fan and you find yourself in unbearable pain. I’m not talking about physical pain (we all know how to deal with that), I’m talking about the illness of the soul that, if not healed, results in a depression. It happens to many, throughout our lives.

That pain that follows you wherever you go, when you wake up miserable, fall asleep miserable, when you cry when no one is watching. It becomes part of you, to the point when you start forgetting what it feels like – to live without constantly hurting. Sometimes you may even have psychosomatic experiences like real chest pain or difficulty breathing. Real body aches resulting from a psychological trauma.

Maybe some of you are going through this right now. If so – be strong. There’s a way out. I hope this text helps you find yourself and resurrect. If it helps at least 1 person – that’s all that matters.

I’ve been studying this topic for a while and gathered and digested vast amounts of information. Here are a few coping mechanisms that truly work. Hope this helps whoever needs help.

First and foremost. Understand what caused the traumatic experience and if there’s a chance of this happening again – get yourself out of the situation that keeps causing it. Think about what’s best for you and do it.

If the event is in the past and all you need to do now is to survive – then follow these steps:

Allow yourself to immerse in your pain and truly experience it, don’t suppress. Never try to pretend that nothing happened.

However, it’s important at this point to not let yourself make it the center of your existence. Don’t concentrate on it. Cry when you feel like crying, scream when no one can hear you, immerse for some time (allow yourself to be miserable for a few days), accept it, so then you can start letting it go.

Start writing your feelings down. Every day. Write, cry, write again, cry, feel, say what you want to say, on paper. Then burn this shit. Do this every day until you feel like there’s no need to continue. You’ll know when it happens.

Not a surprise: alcohol helps ease the pain and so do drugs. The problem with those two is that the effect is short-lived. The bigger problem is that when it wears off – you find yourself in a deeper black hole than you were before. So you need another doze to stop the pain, which is now greater, so you need a greater doze. The circle continues until you become dependent on it, which happens very quickly, within a week or so. Yes, that fast. So don’t do this, unless your goal is to bury yourself in a depression for life.

Exercise. Sport. Best remedy ever. This is one of a few real healthy and reliable ways to get you out of it. Don’t do long distance running, because it gives your brain another chance to keep “chewing” on the negative emotions as it’s not really occupied at that time. Active exercise (weightlifting, bootcamp, team sports, martial arts) allow your brain and soul to take that precious break from constantly convulsing. So pretty much anything that puts you in survival mode. When you start realizing that not dying during the exercise is more important than anything you’ve been worrying about. Kinda helps you put thins in perspective… Sport is truly the best distractor. About the only way to help you truly rest from the ongoing pain that otherwise follows you everywhere (other than sleeping). The pain comes back as soon as you stop, but (unlike with drugs and alcohol) it’s more and more subtle every time.

Work. There’s nothing wrong with burying yourself up to your eyeballs with work, if this also helps you not concentrate on your negative feelings all the time. Whatever helps you take a break from the pain in a healthy way. Concentrating on your career instead – is not the worst choice. 

I’d love to say “spend more time with your kids if you have any” but unfortunately that may not be the best idea. Don’t ignore them and be a good parent, but keep in mind that they feel what you feel. If you’re in excruciating pain – you might want to hide from them every once in a while when you really feel like crap, instead of bursting into tears in front of them and creating another psychological trauma for the younger generation.

Take it easy, heal, and then go back to being a helicopter parent when you’re fully capable of doing that in a healthy way.

Boost your self esteem. Achievements of any size, even the smallest ones help. I.e. not puking after a tough-ass exercise. Or beating your friend in chess (too bad for the friend but he needs it less than you do, so don’t worry). Losing half a pound in a week (because you’ve been exercising so diligently). This is where the achievements at work will also come in handy.

Meditate. Learn to meditate. There’s an app for that (multiple ones).

Don’t get into new relationships until you’re healed. Not only because it won’t be fair to the other person who you’d be using for healing. But mostly because even the slightest insignificant failure or rejection can cause a drama and knock you off your feet.

Find a hobby. Something you really enjoy doing. Painting, dancing, music, gardening. It has a multifaceted effect: it distracts you from concentrating on negative thoughts, it calms you by bringing positive emotions, it helps your feeling of self-worth as you become better and better at whatever that is you’re doing and see the results of your work (or, even better, show them off).

And then… watch the pain gradually go away, day by day. Until the emptiness is filled with lots of fun stuff and you find yourself a new, better human being.

With Love.

Volk

I’m a weird combination of

a half-ass professional skier,

an immigrant from a post-soviet country,

a sociologist with a degree, adopted by the hospitality industry,

accidental tech startup founder turned into a permanent software nerd,

bad-ass mother of 2 who looks like a “lesbian from Michigan”,

tireless spontaneous world traveler,

and a newbie writer with a content generation addiction, being gradually sucked into real estate, stock market and crypto.

I figured I’ve got 30 more years in me. I hope this list is at least twice longer by the time I reach the end of my story. I don’t want to stop evolving, wherever it takes me.

I have been thinking a lot about how modern dating apps change the whole concept of dating and developing a relationship.

I don’t really represent a typical user, but if you hang out with the younger crowd (I’m guessing the primary target audience is somewhere in the late 20’s, early 30’s) you’ll discover that nowadays nearly everyone has at least one dating account (tinder, bumble, hinge, plenty of fish, list goes on).

This is a really interesting topic that is definitely due for a full-blown longitute sociological research (I wish I had more time on my hands).

Traditionally, a relationship used to be a natural result of an accidental social interaction.

Selection process was infrequent and limited. As generally, people have a limited number of face-to-face interactions. As a result, relationships are perceived as valuable once they are formed.

People meet, develop an attraction, then proceed to a closer and more committed relationship. The standard flow is: Emotional attraction -> Dating.

In the modern world, dating apps offer an ability to go through an extensive selection process using rational strategies for picking a potential candidate: 1) set filters according to your preferences 2) sort through thousands of people 3) filter further by asking “qualifying questions” after the actual conversation starts and then select a few lucky winners (multiple ones) because there’s another stage in the selection process – the face-to-face, which in many cases results in further disqualifications. The loop continues until a reasonable candidate is selected for further “trials”.

So, the natural (traditional) flow of building a relationship has now been altered. People meet for the purpose of developing a relationship. In many cases, dating comes before forming a bond with the other person. The flow is now: Rational filtering -> Dating -> Attraction (or lack of thereof).

What does it mean for us?

Relationships developed through these apps tend to be perceived as less valuable, they’re less committed, shorter and are often treated as temporary.

First of all, because they’re not built on the foundation of an actual emotional bond. They’re a result of a logical, rational selection process.

Second, lingering on the back of people’s minds is: if this one doesn’t work out – I can always sift through another 1000 within a week and pick a new candidate. Which results in less effort and commitment to actually make a relationship work.

Yes some of these “trials” lead to a happy ending. If you can call marriage that (since half the time it results in a divorce… but that’s a whole separate discussion).

But in general, I can bet the proceeds from my condo, success rate is pretty miserable.

However, I’m suspecting that if an emotional bond happens to be formed as a result – then there’s some potential for an increased chance of success vs the traditional approach, because it has an additional layer in the foundation – the rational filtering, which allows to eliminate some potential risks of failure.

Is this new way of dating – a positive change or not? Who knows. It’s just the reality of the modern world. A new phenomenon that we’re still getting used to.

Some would argue that it is more beneficial to have an increased chance of finding “Mr Right Now” than to be alone waiting your whole life for “Mr Right” to show up at your door with flowers…

Everything is temporary. EVERYTHING.

Events, emotions, life itself.

We all know this. It’s a simple fact. But for some reason we treat those things above as if we weren’t aware of their temporary nature.

When we have negative feelings or emotions – we tend to get stuck and concentrate on them. As if this pain will stay with us forever. By doing this, we push ourselves deeper and deeper into the black hole. Some start seeing a therapist, others start taking pills, doing drugs or drinking. And the black hole expands. The pain gets worse because we make it worse.

Instead, why don’t we realize that there WILL be an end. We just need to be patient. Concentrate on other things and be patient, because tomorrow will be another day. And then there will be another one and another one, and the pain will eventually subside. And then it will go away completely. It always does. Always, regardless of the scope of the event that caused it. And the sooner we realize this, the quicker we recover.

A good friend once told me when I was going through tough times: “A year from now you won’t even remember what you’re worried about right now”. At that time, it seemed like the end of the world to me so I didn’t believe him. But he was right.

If you look back at your life a year ago, few years ago, you will remember those moments that caused pain. What you will also notice is that the pain did go away. If not yet – it will soon.

I follow this logic every time I run into tough situations. I do my best to resolve them.

And if there’s nothing else I can do and it still hurts – I move on to other things and just patiently wait. I don’t let the pain interfere with my life. I keep smiling and doing my thing. And eventually pain goes away. It always does.

If it comes back – it means there’s a trigger. You need to be strong enough to pull yourself out of situations that cause repetitive negative emotions. It’s not always easy because it normally causes change, and we’re naturally afraid of the unknown. But people who don’t change – don’t evolve.

Instead of getting stuck in negativism and watch days go by, we should live our life. Because life is also temporary.

I’ve recently discovered that many psychological problems stem from low self-esteem (should’ve learned this earlier in life, but better late than never). The feeling of self-worth comes from true unconditional love for yourself, which is dependent on being able to be true to yourself, regardless of how other people perceive you.

Being true to yourself means to not do things that others expect you to do if that hurts you or contradicts your beliefs. It means to never lie to yourself.
Being true to yourself means accepting who you really are and not what others think you should be. It means to not pretend to be someone else in order to gain acceptance from others.
Instead, accept yourself.

That’s why what you think about yourself is way more important than what others think about you. This is not selfishness. This is self awareness. Which, in turn, benefits other people around you.

If you love YOU, you will be capable of truly loving others (not being addicted, not being dependent or possesive but truly loving, in a healthy way).

If you accept yourself and stop pretending to be someone else – you will attract people who admire you for who you are. And those who don’t accept you this way – are not required to stick around.

I am what I am. And I accept it.